The adolescent period is a very busy time for both the teen and parents. There is a tremendous amount of growth that occurs during the teen years. The obvious physical growth in terms of size and strength as well as sexual development is apparent. What is not as visible in terms of appearance is the cognitive growth that occurs during this time as well. The human brain goes from weighing about two pounds during childhood to weighing about three pounds in adulthood. The growth of the brain takes place during the teen years. With that growth come new cognitive abilities that shape the typical interactions between parents and their maturing children. This article will focus primarily on these changes and the impact that this has particularly on boys.
There are two significant changes that influence the behavior of teen boys on a cognitive level. The first is not unique to boys but is experience by both sexes. As stated previously, the change in the size of the brain allows children to begin to think about things differently than they have been able to before. Young children have a tendency to think about things in a rather concrete, black and white manner. Either it is right or wrong, that there is only one perspective on things and that things are rather simple and straight forward. We as adults recognize that much of life is not that simple but rather is much more intricate and complex. As children begin to see that there can be differing points of view and that there can be exceptions to rules and subtleties previously unknown to them, they begin to question previously unshakable truths.
Hence the new found ability to argue points of view with parents and the tendency to be "lawyer like" when trying to convince a parent to change their mind on a decision. They are really learning to use their new found ability to think about things in a more abstract fashion, from a simple black and white way into the world of possibilities. While this can be frustrating for parents, it is a valuable process that will, when guided properly, allow your son to make discerning decisions. As they child begins to undergo these changes, they begin to contemplate what they want their life to be about and begin to separate their identity from their parents.
Unfortunately, they are not ready to face the world alone and hence become more dependent on friends for support as they individuate from parents. This is why friends, who is cool, who is not cool becomes so important to young teens.
This can be a very distressing period of time for some boys and will even shape a large part of the self identity for some boys. As they jockey for position in the social strata those that fall to the bottom rungs of the ladder will endure feelings of rejection, isolation and may endure harsh teasing and some physical abuse at the hands of their peers.
The hormonal changes that are occurring as well are well known to all parents and certainly explain the moodiness that we can see in teens. They can be unpredictable in their moods and their energy level. Boys in particular will begin to feel the surges of testosterone which will prompt an increase in sexual appetite and feelings of strength and not just physical strength but personal strength. Boys will want to continue to test themselves against challenges, including the challenge of authority as they work out their own sense of mastery over their own world and lives. Boys in particular will challenge mothers in their attempt to subordinate mom to themselves. If they get enough courage they will challenge dad's authority directly as well. Girls will challenge authority as well, but not usually in the direct, in your face fashion that boys can be prone to do. Hence, boys can be very obstinate for mothers in particular and with the surges of testosterone there is a tendency for boys to be rather absent minded and illogical, complicating the whole struggle for authority. Add in a world that panders to the youth of America with their discretionary spending money and the task of dealing with a teenage boy can become rather large at times. What can you do to navigate this period in your son's life?
1. Recognize the change that is occurring and adjust your parenting accordingly. Children at this age need to have more explanations for the decisions that are made than they use to. This does not mean you have to justify everything you decide, but some insight into why you are doing things can help.
2. Continue to keep your son involved in constructive activity. The more the activity challenges him the better. Allowing him to spend some of that physical activity is also recommended.
3. Get your son involved in the decision making when appropriate. This will give him some feeling of control and power and possibly reduce the energy he spends combating you for a sense of power.
4. Provide opportunity to display maturity in the responsibilities that you give him. These responsibilities should carry some level of prestige with them in order to be effective. The opportunity to work with tools, to have some car care responsibilities work much better than the responsibility of taking out the trash. (He should still take out the trash!)
5. Provide opportunity for your son to talk to you. In order to do this you will have to take the time to be engaged in some activity with him or take him for a drive to make this happen.
6. Work at establishing that delicate balance of his growing autonomy and your need to still be a parent, but don't make this the centerpiece of all your conversations.
7. Enjoy your son's growth and maturation!
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